Monday, November 26, 2007
My confusion, I don't even know where to start this blog. What's in here may piss people off, but that is NOT my intention. Then again, I don't even know if those people care enough anymore to read this.
Apparently I "changed" when I came home from Vernon this summer. I was more outspoken, but I didn't really change. What happened was I came from a place that kept me busy 24-7 and was constantly surrounded by people (even in my own room, I could still here everyone around me) to a place where I had nothing to do and no one to talk to. This change in surroundings happened within a couple hours so it was sudden. I'm not sure how I said things, but people seemed to take offence to what I did say.
I mentioned in a previous post that being a housewife was driving me nuts, and someone thought that I was insulting her chosen profession. That was by far not the truth. I greatly admire this woman and what she does for her family. She is a housewife and a damn good one! What I was trying to say is that it wasn't for me. One thing I wanted most this summer was to share with all my friends at home the experiences that I had this summer (just as they like to share all the experiences they have) and tell them about all the people I met from all over the world! Someone else took this to mean that my old friends had been replaced.
Because of all this I went into a very dark place, which started with having nothing to do and got progressively worse. I told John I wanted out and the only thing that stopped me from saying divorce was that John had interrupted me (once again). I put him through hell and he needed people to talk to so he talked to our friends, which eliminated them from the list of people I could talk to for two reasons. 1. Because some of them were the ones who took offence to what I'd said and 2. because, in my mind, that was putting them in the middle of something and may force them to choose between the two of us. Which I thought would be unfair (please keep in mind that I'm not saying what I though was rational - most of the time it wasn't). Once John figured out what was really happening with me, he became my light. But by then the damage was done. The only real saving graces I had through this incredibly scary time are John who was/is very patient, cadets (and the officers) who provided me with support and structure, and one man who I worked with this summer but didn't become friends with until weeks after. He never let me give up on myself or my marriage, and he didn't even know what was going on. Everyone else seemed to disappear.
I don't know how to make them re-appear. I was told by a long time friend that I'm missed and that my friends want to mend the rift. I also want to fix my mistakes before two of them leave but no one returns my calls. Hence my confusion. Someone please tell me what I need to do.
posted by Turnoc's Lady @ 11:09 PM,
